Chapter Two Point Oh
What I want to be giving to others.
Showing others.
I want to be a role model.
With trump, I have been a role model in terms of being activated and doing something daily.
But with trump, I have not been a role model for staying positive, staying strong, and keeping your head up.
I have not been a good role model during trump at all.
I have been handicapped.
It's been clear that I am handicapped and weak and struggling.
Everyone can see it.
I'm not happy steph anymore and everyone can see it.
If trump goes away, then i am back?
is that like, if mom just finally kills herself then I am released?
I had to divorce myself from my mother, extensively.
But with trump I've had to engage myself in my community politics MORE actively.
With my mother I had to forge ahead without relying on her. I had forge ahead as though she was no longer around.
With trump, I felt like the charge is that I've spent my whole life forging ahead as though there wasn't these problems. Head in the sand.
With mom, I couldn't save her life. I had to build a wall to turn down her access and influence over me.
With trump, I've had to expose myself to more harsher realities that I didn't want to see. That I didn't want to think I was complicit in.
With mom, the realities were that I was never at fault even though she attached so much of her despair onto my abilities. I had to liberate myself from my mother by acknowledging I had zero power to help her, despite what she wanted me to believe.
With trump, the realities are that I have zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero power to help anyone, this country, the millions around me, the children in cages, the tax dollars, the votes, the black Americans being shot by police, the ability to communicate "facts" to fox viewers, to Paul Ryan, to Mitch McConnell, to Dick Durbin, to the Board of Elections of Atlanta, to any of the dozens of people I've placed phone calls to.
To the Illinois GOP office.
I am powerless.
I embraced being powerless over my mother because (a) it's the truth and (b) it spared me the emotional blackmail she would attempt on me during her darker suicidal periods.
I have been fighting for 2 years now. Beating my fucking head against the fucking wall because of how powerless trump has made me feel.
And I have never felt better after any one of my 100+ phone calls I've made "as a registered voter and middle aged professional calling to share my voice about... blahh blahh blahh blahh...."
It has never made me feel better to call. Not emotionally.
Only intellectually.
Only in the walking the walk standards I set for myself.
But never emotionally.
Because I am fucking helpless.
My mother never did successfully kill herself.
But she managed to make dozens upon dozens of attempts, half of which included some form of dramatization wherein she involved me.
Going through that for years.
My 20's was marked by constant terror, fear, anger. She never went more than 12 months without some major dramatic scene.
Doctor calls. Social worker calls. Hospital room calls.
Stomach pumps.
Electric shock therapy.
Police involvement.
For at least a single decade there was a yearly crisis.
During my 20's
Into my 30's
It's decreased majorly since I've been in my 40's.
Why does trump bring all this shit up?
I think it's that damned helplessness.
And the bullying.
His narcissism and using of others.
His abusiveness.
His toxic actions.
His all-consuming, never satisfied, must always be the center of attention ego-driven self.
With mom, being helpless was my saving grace.
With trump, being helpless has felt like a choice equivalent to choosing not to vote.
I can't choose to be helpless in trump world. People will die if I don't do something.
"People will die if we don't stop trump"
I started making this statement in January of 2016 and I haven't stopped.
"People will die if we don't do something. If we don't speak up."
My mom will die if someone doesn't fix her.
trump doesn't care about anything.
Mom cares only about herself.
trump isn't going to stop on his own.
Mom is not going to stop on her own.
I stopped talking with my mother and refused her phone calls and shut her out completely for two years. Everyone in the family knew. It was an ordeal. Stephanie isn't talking to her mother anymore after her last hospitalization for overdosing.
I remember sitting on the cold vinyl floor of the apartment kitchen in Finneytown, with the flourscent lights over head, crying so much on the phone out of so much deep frustration. Frustration tears.
"Mom, if you're going to live or die it needs to happen entirely separate from me. I need you to decide to live or die on your own."
the minute trump is no longer in office, I feel I will be instantaneously released from this dark hellish grip.
trump is not going to leave the office any time soon. he's not going to go voluntarily. he has no class, and he has all ego.
if he could be president for life, he would make himself such.
trump is not swayed by laws or peer pressure or the FBI or anything
trump is not going to resign, or spare his children, or spare anyone.
trump will throw every single person under the bus that he can
trump will not abide by officers escorting him out.
trump will fight this to the end
i know trump.
i know how deep his desperation his, how bottomless his selfish needs are.
my mom never did kill herself
she's still living.
I suppose if she knew, if only unconsciously, that killing herself would no longer keep her the center of attention that she constantly wants, constantly craves.
I don't get to do my 20's over again. Or my teens.
I don't get to redo any important milestones, this time without her self-death threats.
Identifying myself as entirely helpless to save my mother, saved me.
With trump, feeling helpless has brought me back to being taunted, haunted, burdened, defensive, untrusting, helpless, hopeless, and raging at my mother who held a knife to her wrist to blackmail me into not leaving her.
I left her.
She lived.
We can't leave trump alone.
I'm helpless.
When will this living nightmare end.
Do I still feel, somewhere under all of these layers, that I actually did have the power to heal my mother...
that I made the selfish choice
that I could have actually saved her
and it's my life curse that I selfishly choose not to.
Did I keep her life in my hands and didn't give it back?
Is trump here punishing me for not serving her needs?
Showing others.
I want to be a role model.
With trump, I have been a role model in terms of being activated and doing something daily.
But with trump, I have not been a role model for staying positive, staying strong, and keeping your head up.
I have not been a good role model during trump at all.
I have been handicapped.
It's been clear that I am handicapped and weak and struggling.
Everyone can see it.
I'm not happy steph anymore and everyone can see it.
If trump goes away, then i am back?
is that like, if mom just finally kills herself then I am released?
I had to divorce myself from my mother, extensively.
But with trump I've had to engage myself in my community politics MORE actively.
With my mother I had to forge ahead without relying on her. I had forge ahead as though she was no longer around.
With trump, I felt like the charge is that I've spent my whole life forging ahead as though there wasn't these problems. Head in the sand.
With mom, I couldn't save her life. I had to build a wall to turn down her access and influence over me.
With trump, I've had to expose myself to more harsher realities that I didn't want to see. That I didn't want to think I was complicit in.
With mom, the realities were that I was never at fault even though she attached so much of her despair onto my abilities. I had to liberate myself from my mother by acknowledging I had zero power to help her, despite what she wanted me to believe.
With trump, the realities are that I have zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero power to help anyone, this country, the millions around me, the children in cages, the tax dollars, the votes, the black Americans being shot by police, the ability to communicate "facts" to fox viewers, to Paul Ryan, to Mitch McConnell, to Dick Durbin, to the Board of Elections of Atlanta, to any of the dozens of people I've placed phone calls to.
To the Illinois GOP office.
I am powerless.
I embraced being powerless over my mother because (a) it's the truth and (b) it spared me the emotional blackmail she would attempt on me during her darker suicidal periods.
I have been fighting for 2 years now. Beating my fucking head against the fucking wall because of how powerless trump has made me feel.
And I have never felt better after any one of my 100+ phone calls I've made "as a registered voter and middle aged professional calling to share my voice about... blahh blahh blahh blahh...."
It has never made me feel better to call. Not emotionally.
Only intellectually.
Only in the walking the walk standards I set for myself.
But never emotionally.
Because I am fucking helpless.
My mother never did successfully kill herself.
But she managed to make dozens upon dozens of attempts, half of which included some form of dramatization wherein she involved me.
Going through that for years.
My 20's was marked by constant terror, fear, anger. She never went more than 12 months without some major dramatic scene.
Doctor calls. Social worker calls. Hospital room calls.
Stomach pumps.
Electric shock therapy.
Police involvement.
For at least a single decade there was a yearly crisis.
During my 20's
Into my 30's
It's decreased majorly since I've been in my 40's.
Why does trump bring all this shit up?
I think it's that damned helplessness.
And the bullying.
His narcissism and using of others.
His abusiveness.
His toxic actions.
His all-consuming, never satisfied, must always be the center of attention ego-driven self.
With mom, being helpless was my saving grace.
With trump, being helpless has felt like a choice equivalent to choosing not to vote.
I can't choose to be helpless in trump world. People will die if I don't do something.
"People will die if we don't stop trump"
I started making this statement in January of 2016 and I haven't stopped.
"People will die if we don't do something. If we don't speak up."
My mom will die if someone doesn't fix her.
trump doesn't care about anything.
Mom cares only about herself.
trump isn't going to stop on his own.
Mom is not going to stop on her own.
I stopped talking with my mother and refused her phone calls and shut her out completely for two years. Everyone in the family knew. It was an ordeal. Stephanie isn't talking to her mother anymore after her last hospitalization for overdosing.
I remember sitting on the cold vinyl floor of the apartment kitchen in Finneytown, with the flourscent lights over head, crying so much on the phone out of so much deep frustration. Frustration tears.
"Mom, if you're going to live or die it needs to happen entirely separate from me. I need you to decide to live or die on your own."
the minute trump is no longer in office, I feel I will be instantaneously released from this dark hellish grip.
trump is not going to leave the office any time soon. he's not going to go voluntarily. he has no class, and he has all ego.
if he could be president for life, he would make himself such.
trump is not swayed by laws or peer pressure or the FBI or anything
trump is not going to resign, or spare his children, or spare anyone.
trump will throw every single person under the bus that he can
trump will not abide by officers escorting him out.
trump will fight this to the end
i know trump.
i know how deep his desperation his, how bottomless his selfish needs are.
my mom never did kill herself
she's still living.
I suppose if she knew, if only unconsciously, that killing herself would no longer keep her the center of attention that she constantly wants, constantly craves.
I don't get to do my 20's over again. Or my teens.
I don't get to redo any important milestones, this time without her self-death threats.
Identifying myself as entirely helpless to save my mother, saved me.
With trump, feeling helpless has brought me back to being taunted, haunted, burdened, defensive, untrusting, helpless, hopeless, and raging at my mother who held a knife to her wrist to blackmail me into not leaving her.
I left her.
She lived.
We can't leave trump alone.
I'm helpless.
When will this living nightmare end.
Do I still feel, somewhere under all of these layers, that I actually did have the power to heal my mother...
that I made the selfish choice
that I could have actually saved her
and it's my life curse that I selfishly choose not to.
Did I keep her life in my hands and didn't give it back?
Is trump here punishing me for not serving her needs?
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