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The waiting room of my life

Every day is a mental puzzle piece that I can not win. Every day is a mental jigsaw puzzle that beats me I keep searching for a through-line of reason I search for logic, for reason, for wisdom and there is none None that sustains Lots of small bits of "understanding" Maybe they last an hour 20 minutes The only peace I get is sleeping I wake up in my life of a waiting room I'm perpetually "on hold" and the hold music is the incomprehensible verbal jumblings of a psychologically damaged adult. And the kind voice recording that temporarily chimes in to remind me that I'm on hold...comes in the form of an Op-Ed piece, a research finding, a meme, a smart article written by a seasoned pulitzer-prize winning journalist, a pew-study...... and then the hold music again. For those brief moments when the interruption chimes in, I am fooled into thinking that a real person will finally pick up. But alas, it's not a real person finally put...
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I can not, in good conscious, deny....

I can not in steph-conscious deny that parallel to my feelings of horror that trump is woefully immoral and so psychologically damaged that he is unfit to lead, collaborate, negotiate, or intellectually grasp the intricacies of government and diplomacy... someone, some American somewhere some adult with children some grown person with an advanced degree doesn't care so long as they hold power actual traits or characteristics doesn't matter. WAIT!
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Chapter Two Point Oh

What I want to be giving to others. Showing others. I want to be a role model. With trump, I have been a role model in terms of being activated and doing something daily.  But with trump, I have not been a role model for staying positive, staying strong, and keeping your head up. I have not been a good role model during trump at all. I have been handicapped.  It's been clear that I am handicapped and weak and struggling. Everyone can see it. I'm not happy steph anymore and everyone can see it. If trump goes away, then i am back? is that like, if mom just finally kills herself then I am released? I had to divorce myself from my mother, extensively. But with trump I've had to engage myself in my community politics MORE actively. With my mother I had to forge ahead without relying on her.  I had forge ahead as though she was no longer around. With trump, I felt like the charge is that I've spent my whole life forging ahead as though there wasn...
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Chapter Two

Menopause or trump? Internal temperature suddenly rising, causing sweat beads in my brows, arm pits and tightness in my shoulders: menopause or trump? instant mid-afternoon fatigue causing my body to strongly desire naps between 3 and 6pm: menopause or trump? sky-rocketed cortisol levels and internal rage: menopause or trump? rejecting social opportunities and closing myself off emotionally from others in an increasingly marked way: menopause or trump? swaying drastically between losing all appetite to constant munchies: menopause or trump? lost sense of a future or hope or anything new ever to come my way again: menopause or trump? remarkable loss of feeling joy in the moment: trump or menopause? sporadic breakouts of facial eczema: trump or menopause? persistent pessimism: trump or menopause? lost trust in others: trump or menopause? overall defensiveness: trump or menopause? insomnia: trump or menopause? higher irritability and moodiness: tr...
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